it was like his penis was on wheels.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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