and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
