I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
