when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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