Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
