I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
