A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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