I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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