Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
