not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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