Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
