You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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