Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
