I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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