mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
