So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
