Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
