i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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