Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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