i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
