she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
