I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
