I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
