Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
