I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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