haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
