Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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