Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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