she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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