these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
