i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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