My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have fence marks all over my body
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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