I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I want her autograph on my taint
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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