I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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