the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
