Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
