In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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