this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
