every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
