Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
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