Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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