i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
