just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
