A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
