Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
