I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
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I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
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Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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