i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
