the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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