Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
