They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
