I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
