My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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