hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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