Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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