So drunk its hurt
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
