In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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