Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
