Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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