and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
