Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
