one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
